New Gardener Wanted

Dear Vudes and Tus,

I got home from work last week and realized that the founder of ISIS was in my house and had rearranged my shot glasses into a very inconvenient formation. After scolding Mr. Obama for a few minutes, I realized he deserved pain. I whipped out my fancy new Zippo lighter and tossed it onto his shirt. It burned his shirt and now he's suing me for a new one. He could've taken it off, so why do I need to pay?

Sincerely,

Abdulrahman Bin-Laden

Dear Abdulrahman,

In these kinds of cases there's a simple explanation. If Mr. Obama had died, you would not have been obligated, because he easily could have taken the lighter off of his shirt. However, since it only burned his shirt, he has every right to leave the lighter on with the intention of taking you to court to get a new shirt. Let's say, however, we lived prior to 1865 in America and Sir Obama was a slave. In this kind of situation, we have 2 opinions. Señor Ràšhį says that the slave is treated like a person in this case (cuz who cares about the 3/5 Compromise right?). This is because the Slave Hussein has the ability to take the lighter off of himself. If it was an animal or something, it wouldn't be able to take it off, so that is treated like monetary goods. On the other hand, Señor Töšåfōt says that your slave is treated like a person when tied up, because we can assume that you would've taken the lighter off and not let him die just to collect some money.

ICDCRBRL,

Vudes and Tus